Always
by CelestialHeavens1
Summary: A glimpse into Kate Beckett's mind. Post '47 Seconds' through season 4 finally. Light spoilers.


Season 4. Spoilers post '47 Seconds' through the finally.

This is my first Castle fic, following a style I've found I like writing in when writing inside a single character's mind.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

The first day he's gone, she almost doesn't notice. Almost.

There's no coffee on her desk, no writer in his chair coming up with ridiculous theories, and it's weird. But she dismisses it for the day. The had just finished the bombing case and she figured he needed some time off.

That was a week ago.

He's been in maybe three times and he's only really talked to Ryan and Esposito. He's avoiding her, she knows it.

* * *

"I'm telling you. Something happened. Something changed. It's been weird between us lately."

"Lately? Kate, it's been weird for 4 years."

"No, this is different. He's different. It's like he's pulling away."

"Well, can you blame him? He's probably tired of waiting."

She knows Lanie's right. He's waited for her for four years to give him a chance and she never did. Maybe he's tired of waiting. People change when you're not looking.

The stewardess, the lunch dates... it felt like he was punishing her. What had she done?

* * *

He's cheating on them.

At least, that's how it feels.

He's working with another detective because he can't be around her. When she looks at him, she can see through his walls now. She can see the pain behind his mask of happiness. What had changed? What made him so hurt? She wants to ask, but she knows he wouldn't answer.

It wasn't so long ago that they were happy, partners.

_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate._

He doesn't know she remembers. She's terrified of telling him she remembers, of telling him how she feels, and once she worked out everything, he was almost gone.

Maybe it was her fault. Lanie was right. Castle loves her. He's waited four years for her to pull her head out of the dirt and see that. He told her it a year ago. So what the hell's the matter with her? Why hasn't she done anything?

* * *

_Because I love you. But you already know that, don't you? You've known for about a year._

A rock hits the bottom of her stomach. He knows she lied to him. For how long? Is that why he's been pulling away?

_Because of everything we've been through together! Four years I've been right here! Four years, just waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I'm right here. And that I'm more than a partner._

_Every morning I bring you a cup of coffee just so that I can see a smile on your face because I think you are the most remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating person I have ever met. And I love you Kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this._

_It's your life. You can throw it away if you want but I'm not going to stick around and watch you so this is um… over. I'm done._

Perhaps that hits her the hardest. He's leaving her. He's leaving and not coming back. He can't do this, just come here, making her crazy all the time, making her want something more than what she's got, making her want him, only to leave! How's she supposed to survive without her partner by her side?

No, Kate! She yells at herself, he's been lying to you, treating you like a child.

The other part of her is only rehearing that one part, over and over again:

_Because I love you.  
__Because I love you.  
__Because I love you._

* * *

It's strange, really. She's hanging off a building, is about to fall and die, when she finds clarity. She needs Castle, needs him! She's going to die and she's never told him how she feels about him. He'll get a call, from Ryan saying that he's sorry but she was killed on duty. Will he be hurt? Will he come to her funeral?

But what if she lives? If she somehow survives?

Will he forgive her? Will he still love her? Will he still want her?

And then she knows her answer; it's the same one he's given her about a million times.

_Always._

* * *

Liked it? Hated it? Review and tell me. :)


End file.
